Madmen and Cabbages
by HowlynMad
Summary: Things haven't been so good for the Hatter since Alice fled Underland so abruptly. Alice now realizes where her heart truly lies but is it too late? Hatter/Alice, Hatter angst, Happy ending,


Madmen and Cabbages

_I won't forget you," Alice threw her arms around the Hatter._

"_Yes, you will," he closed his eyes. "You can't help it."_

_Alice pulled back and looked into his electric green eyes. "I can't stay here Hatter, my family doesn't even know what happened to me. I ran away without a word. They must think something awful has happened to me." _

_He merely nodded. "I understand. Why would you want to stay in such a crazy place full of magic and mayhem?"_

_She smiled lightly at him. "I can think of a reason or two, she spoke fondly. In her short stay in Wonderland the Hatter had become like family. He was her protector, and her best friend... and maybe he had become something much more. Something that her currently overwhelmed mind didn't want to deal with until she'd had a chance for a little peace... and sanity. It was something she couldn't find in Underland. _

_Alice didn't want the Hatter to feel sad. It felt like her own heart was breaking to see him so dejected. But it was that very feeling that was frightening her most. The feeling that his heart meant more to her at that moment than her family, her former life, or any dangers she might encounter in the wilds of Wonderland._

"_I... I have to go now." The Hatter's eyes appeared to lose their color, fading to a dull gray. "Goodbye, Hatter."_

"_Fairfarren... sweet Alice."  
_

1o1o1o1o1

"Your Majesty!"

"Oh dear Alice, it's so good to have you back." Mirana gave her a warm hug, kissing each cheek in passing.

"It's good to be back. It's been long coming. I'm so glad to be home." Yes, Underland was home, that thought made Alice smile.

"We need to celebrate. An affair in your honor," the Queen offered.

"Oh, that sounds wonderful, Majesty. But if you don't mind I have something I need to attend to at once. Do you know where the Hatter is? I've asked everyone I've passed but all I get is strange, sad looks. I'm trying not to be concerned but..."

The smile vanished from the queen's face. "I'm afraid that the Hatter no longer resides here."

Alice frowned, "He doesn't? Is he staying with Thackery out in the forest?"

"Alice," Mirana said gravely, "I'm afraid, I had to send the Hatter away."

"I don't understand."

"It is with a heavy, heavy, heart I must tell tales concerning our Tarrant Hightopp. There have been several... incidents. It became impossible for him to be here any longer."

There was a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, "What kind of "incidents"?

"After you left, the Hatter didn't fare very well. He became very.. scattered. He was quite dejected. There were several instances of violence, first against himself, and then others."

"What!" No, Hatter would never hurt anyone! Would he? Thoughts collided in her mind as she contemplated the horrible thought that her precious Hatter had tried to do himself or others harm.

The Queen sighed, "I did everything I could to help him, to allow him time to come to grips with your absence. But the situation didn't improve. In fact, it worsened. During one of his bad moments, I attempted to intervene. Unfortunately, at the time, Tarrant had a rather large hatpin that he was brandishing."

"No!" Alice put her hand to her mouth. "But surely he didn't mean to injure you Your Majesty."

"No, of course he didn't, sweet girl. He was mortified when he came back to himself. It wasn't that incident which convinced me that he should leave."

She didn't want to know, but she needed to know. "What happened? I need to know."

Mirana nodded. "Seems that Thackery was in a fine mood one morning and was making bubble-berry tea, which of course, he promptly threw at Tarrant. Some of the tea splashed onto his hat..."

"Oh, no!" Alice gasped lightly. The Hatter's hat was no ordinary hat. It was like a living part of the Hatter himself. And in Underland that might be quite the truth of it.

"Tarrant wasn't himself, I understand this but... but Alice, he tried to boil Thackery in the soup pot. He was singing about having rabbit stew for lunch when I found them. Luckily, the water had not reached deadly temperature. Thackery was sodden, a bit red around the nose, but otherwise unharmed. Even worse, it took hours for Hatter to come back to himself."

Alice was too stunned to respond.

"Residents have become fearful of him. His eyes are stained red most of the time and when he speaks it's with such a deep brogue." The Queen shuddered slightly. "He couldn't stay. I hope you understand it wasn't something I wanted. I wanted to help him but there was just no consoling him."

Alice nodded slowly. "I understand." It was much worse than she could have imagined. There was only one thing to do. "Where is he?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"This is my fault. I should never have left in the first place. I was happy here and I was happy with him. I knew that there was no greener grass anywhere than in my Wonderland. I was fickle and afraid. Stupid."

"No, Alice. Not stupid. You had things that you needed to sort through and you felt you needed to be elsewhere to do that. Tarrant's madness has always been, you can't blame yourself for it."

"I don't blame myself for his madness, it was always part of his charm. I blame myself that I broke the heart of a once kind man. Please Mirana, tell me where he is. I need to go to him."

The Queen looked torn, "He's very unwell. It could be dangerous."

"So be it." Whatever doubts had led her to flee Wonderland and the Hatter in the first place were now replaced with the knowledge that this place was where she truly belonged and the Hatter was the man she truly belonged with. If only her decision to flee after the jabberwocky hadn't cost the Hatter what was left of his delicate sanity.

The Queen nodded. "Chess?"

A blue head appeared above her, "Yesss?" the Cheshire cat responded with a lazy grin.

"You've been keeping an eye on our friend the Hatter?"

Blue and red stripes appeared followed by a bushy tail. "Of course." He flicked his tail in seeming agitation. "Someone has to care for that amazing hat of his... make sure nothing happens to it."

The queen smiled knowingly. "Yes, his hat... of course. Please take Miss Alice to see him."

The rather rotund feline rolled over until he was upside down. His expression was speculative. "As you wish. Though I believe.. you are far too late this time."

"What do you mean?" Alice demanded.

The feline shrugged, "The Hatter has faced a great many ordeals in his life and come through without shattering his fragile state of mind. But from love... I fear he may never recover."

1o1o1o1o1

The old dilapidated windmill had never looked sinister to her before, Alice mused, but it did now. She had a knot in her stomach and her hands were shaking lightly. She was the cause of the Hatter's current state of mind. And the current state of his mind was completely out of his mind apparently.

She couldn't deny she was the cause of his misery. She hadn't meant to hurt him so. It was just that with all that happened, falling through the rabbit hole into Underland, slaying the jabberwocky, falling in love, it had all been so overwhelming. Still, that was no excuse.

At the time, all she could think of was getting back to her calm and sane world above to think things through. She would have been back much sooner if she hadn't already promised Lord Ascot that she would handle the China negotiations. Eight months wasn't that long was it? Long enough perhaps, if time had no meaning to you.

It had become painfully obvious after only a couple of weeks that she no longer belonged in her staid world of proper ladies and gentlemen. No, she belonged in a mad world of colorful creatures and even madder Hatters. The Hatter, Tarrant, that had taken her longer to come to terms with. She realized she had strong feelings for him but she had never been in love before and it scared her a little. Love was hard enough in her safe, sane world above, what would it be like in a Wonderland? Would it overwhelm her?

Alice again remembered back to the day she had left Underland and the look of sorrow on his face. How she had rushed to get away from him while she still could, knowing that if she didn't leave right away, she'd never be able to leave him at all.

Now she realized too late that she shouldn't have left him. It had broken his heart and apparently his mind. That Tarrant would try and boil one of his best friends into stew was horrific to say the least. But she hadn't braved travels through another world and faced an epic monster so that she could run away from her feelings now. She would find a way. She loved him and loved conquered all... didn't it?

"Thank you for taking me this far Chess, but I think I should go on alone. I don't want to agitate him more than necessary."

She felt a round soft paw come down lightly on her head. "Agitation will be the least of your worries, Miss Alice. Perhaps I'll just hover around out of sight. Just in case that lovely hat has need of me."

Alice didn't want to admit that she felt better knowing that the Cheshire would stay. She shouldn't feel afraid of Tarrant. She never had before and she attended to more than one of his "fits" of temper. She knew what to expect, didn't she? No, she didn't. This was different in so many ways, for so many reasons. "Thank you, Chess."

Stepping along the uneven cobblestone walk that led to the weathered door of the windmill, Alice paused and took a deep breath. She could do this. Reaching out, she rapped three times and waited. When there was no response to her knock she leaned her head against the door. There was no sound at all. Perhaps he had gone out somewhere? There was nothing to say that he wasn't out for a stroll. It certainly didn't mean that anything bad had happened to him. She rapped again, a bit harder.

"Hatter?" Swallowing the lump in her throat she tried the ringed handle turning it this way and that. The door creaked inward, opening into a small entryway. "Hello?" Alice stepped inside the murky room. The tiny room was covered in layers of undisturbed dust. For one panicked moment she thought perhaps that the Hatter wasn't even here at all. That he had left Underland for good, never to return.

"Hatter?" she ventured again. As her eyes adjusted to the dim light she began to see patterns on the walls. That was odd. Reaching out, she traced the jagged lines with her fingers. It looked as if someone had taken a knife to the surface of the wood in a wild frenzy. Furrows dug in long strips and short deep stabs covered the walls from ceiling to floor.

Alice took one more deep breath and stepped into the open doorway to the living space.

If there was any way that madness could be personified in a room then this was the room. It was filled to the brim with all manner of clashing fabrics that were strewn over furniture and piled on the floor along with hundreds of hats in various states of construction. There was ribbon and trim hanging from light fixtures and cascading piles of mismatched buttons. There were spools of thread stacked in precarious towers of color. There was no way to navigate without walking over or climbing on some type of textile. But that wasn't really what was so disturbing, after all, the Hatter, left to his own devices would create his own kind of chaos.. but the walls told a different tale.

The room's walls were covered in the same scars as the outer hall but in this case the implements that inflicted those wounds were still there. The interior had been used as a gigantic pin cushion. There were scissors of all sizes implanted in the wood, hatpins and giant sewing needles filled the flat space and even a sword or two had been embedded with deadly accuracy. They were everywhere. Some were used as hat hangers while others looked suspiciously like they were stained with blood.

Alice put her hand to her mouth. "Oh Hatter," she murmured. She walked slowly forward taking in her surroundings. There was a small bed pushed up against the wall on one side of the room. You had to walk up and over a mound of torn felt just to get to it. There were two threadbare blankets in a heap and a dirty lump that Alice took to be a pillow.

She stepped back, tottering through the debris barely keeping her balance. She stepped past an enormous wardrobe towards the over-sized window. The window had pictures finger-painted on its surface. If she had been uncertain before as to what stained the sharp implements lining the walls, she had no such uncertainty that it was blood that created the images on glass. Tears came to her eyes as she studied the pictures. The Hatter, it seemed, was quite talented in many ways, as it was very clear that her own face was staring back at her with bloodied eyes on glass.

So engrossed in her horror, she failed to notice the figure in black perched high atop the wardrobe. Head bowed, long legs drawn up and arms wrapped tightly about his knees the Hatter sat. He looked nothing so much as a broken mannequin that had been tossed up, out of the way. Alice backed away from the gruesome portraits, "Oh, Dear Hatter, what has become of you?" she intoned. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now.

The Hatter uncoiled his long legs slowly as if every movement caused him pain. His head still bowed he raised the brim of his black velvet top hat just enough to peer out. His normally vivid eyes had lost all color and were a muted gray. His skintone which always tended to mirror his eyes, which mirrored his moods, was also a bluish-gray. He looked like some specter of the living dead. He stared down at the woman just below him with no recognition in his eyes, just an empty expression devoid of life and hope.

He pulled his head up with a jerky motion and cocked it to the side. He was awake now wasn't he? It was so hard to tell sometimes. He paused, trying to think. When he was awake he didn't feel nearly as much pain as when he was asleep. When he slept everything felt so much more real. The muchness would overwhelm him and he would often awake with a sob, realizing that it was only his madness and he was alone. Always alone. Somewhere in the back of his mind there was a flash of memory of friends and home but one look at the girl below and the fleeting recollection of love was gone like smoke.

Hatter pulled a broken watch from his pocket and held it to his ear as he did everyday and twice on Sundays. Nothing but silence, he hadn't really expected anything else. He'd killed time once too often to be offered any mercy now. The solace of death would be withheld from him. He'd go on year after year, decade after decade, never changing, never finding peace. Until one day.. he would just fade away, to become another wailing wraith in the Disenchanted Forest.

He glanced down again at the girl below. She looked so very real. God, how he hated the days when it seemed so real, he much preferred the unrestrained chaos of his mind. It hurt so much less.

When it appeared that the fey Alice wasn't going to vanish any time soon, Hatter sighed lightly. Best to just get on with it. Hatter braced himself on the edge of the wardrobe with his arms and slid down the side to land lightly on the floor behind the rather solid looking Ghost-Alice that was currently haunting his room. Her close proximity made his nose itch with irritation. Why couldn't his demons just leave him alone? Was he such a bad person that he warranted such daily torture?

He stood stock-still staring at the golden locks cascading down and wanted so badly to reach out and touch them, but he knew with the slightest provocation the vision would disappear and leave him wanting. So he held his breath hoping that Ghost-Alice would stay for just a few moments.

Alice felt, rather than heard, the motion behind her. The air shifted and it seemed a puff of air, light as a breath, caressed her hair for the briefest of moments. She turned and stifled a scream when she found herself nearly nose to nose with the Hatter.

Her eyes widened as she took a good look at what had become of Tarrant Hightopp. Gone was his colorful persona, in fact he seemed to radiate an absence of color, an absence of life, as if he were merely a ghost of himself. He wore a black velvet jacket and pants with a black satin vest and shirt. His favorite hat had been replaced by a slightly over-sized top-hat also of black.

"Hatter." She studied his ashen face. His pale gray eyes were ringed with dark circles like the man hadn't slept in the eight months she'd been gone. Alice wanted to throw her arms around him and never let go, but something about his expression, or lack of one, kept her still. "Oh Hatter, please forgive me. Please..." her voice trailed off unsure what she could possible say that might return the Hatter she'd come to love to his former self.

The Hatter gave her barely a cursorily look and then stepped around her, mumbling in English and Outlandish, "Hou me? Always in the way. Hypal, nocht, peltrie, skybald! As if I haes time to dance around hatesome ghosts all day."

He stalked to the far corner of the room and began tossing things from one pile to another. Fabric unspooled and floated down in waves as he ripped and mauled with disregard. He was still mumbling and cursing under his breath.

Alice took a hesitant step forward. "Hatter? Hatter, please talk to me. Please give me a chance to make this right. Let me help you."

If the Hatter heard her at all there was still no reaction. He continued to toss things from the pile aside which now included sewing boards and shears.

She took a couple of steps closer, preparing to duck any flying debris. "Tarrant, won't you stop and talk to me? Please, let me explain why I left the way I did. I know you probably hate me right now. All I'm asking is for a chance to explain."

The Hatter had stopped his tossing but his shoulders were heaving slightly. Was he crying? She took another step. Glancing down at his hands, she again gasped at the sight. They were bloodied and scarred with slashes and cuts all over them. Some looked angry and red with infection like they had been left to fester unattended.

"At least let me look at your hands, Hatter. Let me clean and bandage the wounds. They look bad. You could get sick." She took another step. "How long as it been since you've eaten anything?" She looked around, not able to imagine that anyone could eat in such a mess. "I could fix you something. We could have lunch together and talk. Can I.."

Alice never finished her thought before the Hatter rounded on her, the tails of his coat snapping. "Not anither word. Do ya hear me!" he shouted, his eyes now flashing yellow then orange. *"Is it not enough that I have to dree your presence? You will be seelent! Or I swear by the fairies I will coll out ye tongue!"

Her eyes wide and fearful, Alice took a step back and tripped over a bolt of pastel paisley. She landed in the pile of fabric with a delicate plop. Hatter moved toward her, his eyes back to their original gray. "Hatesome ghost," he whispered. "Leave me be. Just leave me to fade away in peace."

1o1o1o1o1

Growling, the Hatter headed over to the large sewing table in the middle of the room. He tugged at a bit of fabric on the bottom of a tall stack and it teetered threateningly. He laid the bolt out over the top of all the other items lining the table and began to cut swathes in seemingly random patterns.

Alice pulled herself up and wove her way over to the table until she was standing directly in front of the Hatter. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry," she offered quietly. "I'm not going to leave you. Not ever again."

Hatter paused in his motion and shook his head woefully. "Would that the real Alice had been as dedicated as my demons are."

That declaration cut into her heart as effectively as any knife. Alice frowned, "Real Alice? Do you think me an illusion? Hatter, I'm real and I'm here. Please look at me."

The Hatter raised his head slowly.

"I promise you, I'm real. As real as you."

Hatter smiled unpleasantly, "Since I am a figment of my own imagination that's not a very convincing argument. We've had this discussion before hatesome ghost. We will not have it again, I promise _you_."

Alice shook her head, he didn't even believe that she existed. How could she convince him of anything if she couldn't even convince him she was real? "I remember the first time we met. You were in the glade having tea and you were singing the merry un-birthday song. You have a good voice by the way." She smiled, "Do you remember? Mally was very drunk. The grape jelly for the scones had fermented, poor dear. I didn't know what to make of any of it really. It was wonderful and it was frightening. You made me laugh. I think I was quite taken with you even then."

The Hatter's eyes flashed yellow and Alice stepped back. "You will not speak to me of Alice. No more!" Hatter grasped a pair of shears sticking in the table and brandished them. "I am nothing to her. A mad thing in a mad world and it's true enough, I know." He raised the over-sized blades and circled around the table. "Why do you feel the need to cut me so? Have you not enough of my blood!" he thundered. Bringing his arm up, he drew the blade across his shirt sleeve slicing through to his skin.

"Hatter!" Alice exclaimed and threw herself towards him tangling her feet in more strewn fabric, she landed in a heap at his feet. He looked down at her, his eyes the color of rubies glittering in mad pain. "I will not falter this time. I will not spare such a hatesome ghost on account of love." He brought the deadly scissors up over his head.

And suddenly the Cheshire was there, hovering between the enraged Hatter and the cowering Alice. "Hello there, Tarrant. I'm not interrupting anything am I?" The cat floated, his demeanor casual but his twitching tail belied his real agitation.

The Hatter gritted his teeth, "Obviously, you are, you mettlesome, molty, mongrel. Kindly move aside so I may dispatch this heinous, hatesome, hideous, reminder of my lonely, listless, loathsome nature."

"So it's your intention to kill your one and only true love then is it?" Chess questioned.

"Don't be daft you dizzy, dreadful, delinquent excuse for a feline." The Hatter shook his head vigorously. "Stop.. Cease.. Halt.. No more.. no more.. no more.."

"Hatter.." the cat offered. "Concentrate on the matter at hand. Being which.. you intend to eviscerate your beloved."

"No, only ghosts live here. I pay in blood so they will leave me be."

"I assure you, old friend, the enchanting lady currently in a disheveled lump at your feet is no ghost or specter. She is THE Alice, quite real." Chess's tail had finally stopped its restless flicking. "Returned to Underland to claim her true love lost. Any ideas where she might find him?"

Alice came shakily to her feet. The Hatter had lowered the shears but still held them tightly clenched in a slightly trembling hand. "What are you saying damnable puss?"

"I'm real Hatter, I came back to Underland. I should have returned sooner." She took a hesitant step forward. "I came back to find you. To tell you how I feel." Alice took another step forward and Hatter took a step back, his head shaking negative. "I'm real, Dear Hatter. It's me."

The Hatter stared at her, his eyes now large as saucers, their color the oddest shade of pink. "Oh, Hatter," she reached out and cupped his face in her hands as she had once before when his madness overcame his reason and left him reeling. "Please forgive me."

At the contact of warm hands to his face, the Hatter inhaled with a gasp and let loose a blood-curdling yell. The shears fell from his numbed fingers and his expression twisted in horrified agony. He bolted across the room to the small dirty cot where he pressed himself into a ball in the corner, his arms over his head and his face buried against his legs.

1o1o1o1o1

Alice stood stunned motionless. Tears welled up in her eyes, "Chess, will you please leave us alone?"

The floating cat closed one eye and gazed intently at her. "You think that wise?"

"Wise or not, I'm asking you to leave this to me."

He nodded, "You _will_ watch for that magnificent hat..." and slowly faded from view.

Alice took a deep breath and traversed her way over to the small cot where the Hatter was huddled facing the wall. As gently as possible, she inched her way along the bed until she could lean against the wall too. Staying to the far end, well away from the Hatter, she pulled her knees up mirroring Tarrant and rested her head. She made a promise to the man she loved and she intended to keep it. They would get through this... he would be all right.

1o1o1o1o1

Alice awoke with a start. The room had darkened considerably. It must be early evening, had she slept that long? Glancing around, she noted that the Hatter hadn't moved from his position. His head bowed, still rested on his knees, his arms tightly around his legs. She couldn't tell if he was awake or not but didn't want to disturb him either way. She had startled him so badly when she only wanted to convince him she was real.

After awhile, she unconsciously started humming softly. She was thirsty and a little hungry as well. She hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Time passed differently in Underland, if it passed at all, so breakfast could have been years ago. She smiled ruefully, she was already thinking impossible things and it wasn't even dinner. She truly belonged here. She looked over at the Hatter. She truly belonged with him. Even now, when he was in so much pain, and not at all like himself, she still found comfort and a sense of rightness in being here with him.

"How could I have been so foolish," she murmured. "Can you ever forgive me, Tarrant? I will never forgive myself."

The hat tipped up just slightly and she could see a single gray eye peeking at her from behind the Hatter's black clad arm. When he noticed her looking back he quickly dipped his head back down but at least he appeared to be listening.

"When I went back, I quickly found that it wasn't home anymore." She paused, "I broke my engagement. Everyone was so angry. I couldn't have cared less." She sighed, she had known that Hamish was not who she wanted to be with long before she came back to Wonderland. "I went to China. It was a wondrous place but not nearly as wondrous as here. My trip was a huge success, my family will be well cared for now. I don't have to worry about them anymore." She paused, unsure of what to say, "I missed you."

He gave her no response but she continued, the flood gates now open.

"I make no excuses but to say that I was overwhelmed by all that had happened... all that I had come to feel. I needed time to sort it out, to understand what I was feeling was because I was no longer a girl but a woman. I wish I could have expressed that to you. If I had, then none of this would have happened. I'm so sorry. Let me make it up to you, Tarrant. Please."

The Hatter raised his head, both eyes now peering over his folded arms. "You shouldn't have come back," he whispered.

Alice slowly scooted towards the Hatter only stopping when he raised his head, a slightly panicked expression on his face. "How could I stay away? I love you, Hatter."

His impossibly wide eyes grew rounder still and their gray hue deepened to the color of sky. He shook his head slowly, "How could you possibly love such a mad thing as I?"

"How? It's very simple really." She smiled, "Because you have more muchness than anyone I know. You are brave and loyal and pure of heart. You are just the right kind of crazy for me, Tarrant Hightopp. I wouldn't have you any other way. And I make you this promise. I will never leave you like that again. No matter what you decide, I will be here with love in my heart."

Tears began to flow down her cheeks. Even if the Hatter never forgave her for her childish behavior she would take solace in being his friend, even if it tore her heart apart. She would make amends to both him and all her other friends that she left behind so abruptly. "I hope one day that you will forgive me enough to believe that."

The Hatter reached out, his hand tremblingly slightly. Alice went still hoping that he wouldn't withdraw again. He drew his thumb along her tear streaked cheek. "It's not ye that needs forgiveness, Alice. It's I... I should have had faith in you. Were my mind not so fractured, I might have realized your flight wasn't really from me."

Alice pressed her hand over his as it cupped her cheek. She leaned into his touch. "I would very much like to start again, Tarrant. Could we do that? Start at the beginning?"

The Hatter's face flushed to a gentle blue green hue, his eyes the color of grass. "Why in Underland would you want to start at the beginning? All that upheaval, couldn't we just start in the middle and work our way round in a circle? I've never been fond of straight lines."

Alice smiled, "That sounds ever so perfect."

End.


End file.
